The Cigar Jones Bloghouse

Under the category of, "You Can't Make This Up", meet Eddie Griffin. It seems our beloved Timberwolf was involved in an accident this past winter in which he was not only drinking and driving but watching XXX videos and pleasuring himself as well. OK, Sportsfans, let's see how creative you are. I'll get the balls rolling.

Did you hear Eddie Griffin failed his driving test? His hands weren't at ten and two they were at 12-6, 12-6, 12-6.

What's the big deal about Eddie Griffin? He was just practicing his low post moves.

How could the Wolves trade Eddie Griffin? He's great on the hardwood and has exceptional ball handling skills.

This is way too easy. Let's see what you got.

This is a tough one. Kelly requested that we feature her today and, since most of my humor is borderline mean-spirited, I gotta' be careful. So, where to start? How about them boobies? Kelly's got a nice rack. Kelly's favorite smoke is a Fuente Double Chateau Natural. If you've ever said anything marginally humorous within earshot of Kelly, you probably think you're a candidate for "The Last Comic Standing". You're not. Most of the time Kelly times her laughter to the most inopportune moments when I'm on the phone.

Wife: "When are you coming home...dinner is waiting"

Me: "I'm just getting ready..."

Kelly: "HAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Wife: "Oh, you're working really hard. The kids and I are eating now. (Click)

Just like the OnStar commercial, that was an actual conversation. Anyway, I think I did a pretty good job painting a picture of Kelly. Just wasn't sure what color the hair should be.

For the past week the burning question has been, "Where's Stuart?". Our very own 3D advertisement for Wi-Fi hadn't been in for a while. He finally showed up yesterday and explained he had been ill. Whew! Can't afford to lose any customers...let alone one whose ass crack is permanently fused into the cushion in the corner chair. Glad you're back, Stuart.

Today's the day. This morning our shipment of Fuente Anejos is due to arrive. Unlike other stores that set them aside or limit sales to a few per customer, we put them on the shelf and let the chips fall as they may. Hurry in for best selection!

Yesterdays mix at the shop was off the chain. 70's pop. Look forward to more of that mix playing in the future. Well it's Monday 6/26, eight days before the Fourth of July. Todd is planning on working on the 4th so no hurry to come in and pick up those last minute sticks before the fireworks. Cigars are great for lighting fireworks.

Since I savaged most of you yesterday, I suppose turnabout is fair play. On the way in this morning I reviewed what I did on Saturday and here's the report. Opened the store early on the off chance someone would stop in to buy the JC Newman Anniversary Humidor for $1400.00. After staring at it for fifteen minutes, I decided I was trying too hard. Time for something more productive...online poker for pretend money. I was doing pretty well until some non-spelling smack-talker got into my head and totally took me off my game. I think he was Asian. Anyway, the line at the register was five people deep so it's probably a good thing I got taken down. Mike came in to relieve me around two and it was off to my sons birthday party. But first things first. I had a coupon for Diet Coke that expired soon so I stopped at Cub. "The Senator" was shopping, too. Came to the conclusion he's probably not a senator. Got home just in time for BBQ beef sandwiches, veggies, fruit, chips and dip, etc. So what's next? A full-on, open mouth, Chuck Berry in the easy chair nap, that's what. After being rudely awakened to the strains of "Happy Birthday", I wandered back to the smell of freshly blown candles for a little dessert. Being diabetic, I was the life of the party for exactly thirty-six minutes...until the cake wore off. Another seemingly brief nap followed before the obligatory good-byes to my parents and in-laws. I figured the "Birthday Boy" had played his new video game long enough...so I took over the PS2 long enough to bitch slap the virtual pros in Tiger Woods '06. Finished just in time to see the last pitch in the Twins win. What a day! Time to get ready for bed.

This "blog thing" is rapidly becoming a pain in the ass. Now I've got customers upset if it's not updated by 6:30 AM. I'd say "Get a life" but, since most of you hang out here all day, it's quite obvious you don't have one. Just kidding (half-kidding). Shipments arriving yesterday include Macanudo Vintage (get them while you can!) and Macanudo Gold. Also, the tasty Partagas Serie S are now well-stocked. In other news, Uncle Mike is becoming quite the poker player. He's consistently finishing in the money and making us all look like we're the beginners. Paul graduated from Brown and he's taking the weekend off to celebrate before embarking on his new career as overly-educated employee of a cigar store. Other than that, I'm here...and you're not...yet. See you in a few.

Ok. Time for a random rant. The ONLY sitcom on network TV worth watching is "The Office". I've recommended it to several people I used to respect and no one seems to like it. What the hell? Don't they get it? I there something about clever, original, ground-breaking humor they don't understand? How can anyone not appreciate this show? So I've given up. Don't watch "The Office". It sucks. "Two And A Half Men" rocks! "According To Jim" slays me. "George Lopez" is the funniest man alive (and he's Hispanic, go figure?). Gotta' go. I'm missing a rerun of "Friends". That Jennifer Aniston is soooooo hot! Even People Magazine says so. I wonder if she'd consider going out with me. I bet she would. Yeah, she would. Jennifer Aniston would dig me.

Thanks to all who attended our H. Upmann Event last night. I trust a good time was had by all. Congrats to Chuck, Kelly and Mikey...the big winners of some fine prizes provided by Scott O'Hern of Altadis USA. The real fun began after close. Never one to turn away a paying customer...even though the register was already closed for the day...two large groups came in and made some nice purchases. Well...they decided to stick around for a while. Two and a half hours later I was on my way home. No rest for the weary. Ahhh...the joys of retail.

Is it just me or does the sun seem a little brighter today? The birds sound happier, too? Hmmm...what gives? Could it be that every viable life form on the planet is as overjoyed as I am that the self-serving, media slut Mark Cuban got his ass handed to him last night? Yes, Virginia, there most definitely is a Santa Claus. The Dallas Mavericks choked like Mama Cass on a roast beef sandwich and blessed the Miami Heat with their first-ever NBA Championship. Combine that with the Twins eighth straight win and I'm a happy guy. The party begins tonight at 4PM.

A local golf pro (who shall remain nameless) stopped in yesterday in a flop (pun intended) sweat. It seems those boxes of fancy cigars he ordered over the Internet had yet to arrive and his tournament started in two hours. What's a guy to do? Pay retail, of course (pun also intended). Many hundreds of dollars (and a few free rounds of golf) later, he left more relieved than finding a place to pee when you're squuezing in a round on Ladies Day. Another satisfied customer!

Perhaps next year we'll limit the giveaway to one cigar per customer. The response to yesterdays promotion was nothing short of extraordinary. At times the line extended darn near out the door. Luckily for us, MOST of you also purchased more cigars than we gave you. The result was a record day in sales and a good time had by all. How about Phils collapse on 18? It left most of us dissappointed (except Chuck) because we wanted to keep the good times rolling. After golf, the only thing left to watch was Lynx basketball. Brutal! Womens hoops makes bowling, soccer, even curling, sound exciting.

Well, it's Dads Day once again. I'm not a big fan of this Hallmark Holiday, but what the hey, I'll play along. Restocked inventory this morning before taking the day off at the in-laws. Paul's working from open to close after pulling an all-nighter at Jack FM. He should be in fine form. We've had a fantastic month so far...so let's share the wealth. All customers that come in today will recieve THREE FREE CIGARS of their choice. No B.S. Just tell Paul you want "The Fathers Day Deal". You might have to wake him up or repeat yourself several times, but the three free cigars are yours to keep. (Or, better yet, just take a whole box and walk out the door. He's gonna' be out of it!) Just our little way of saying thanks to our loyal customers. Enjoy!

When it rains...it pours. After waiting FOREVER for Savoy Humidors and Camacho Cigars, they both came in today. Yippee. We've also got the best selection of Ashton VSG's in the Upper Midwest Region. Nothing scientific, mind you, just my personal opinion. The US Open Golf will be on all day today...another opportunity to root against Monty. What a whiner! I'm gonna' enjoy watching his wheels come off.

Extra...extra...read all about it! This coming Wednesday (6/21) Scott from Altadis will be here hosting a tasting for the H. Upmann Vintage Cameroon. Most of our regulars are well aware of these quality sticks. The deal is buy two get one free. Anyway, the event runs from 4 to 8 and, as always, food and beverages are on the house. Hope to see you here!

Welcome to Cigar Jones blog. Some final notes on last nights Tournament of Champions. The winner of the trip to Las Vegas was Jeff Johnson. Please wish him good luck.