The Cigar Jones Bloghouse

Breakfast at Cafe La Mama

2007-05-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

Who knew. Somebody posted a comment about Kelly's "twins" and Paul M. replied that our attention to said "milk wagons" was one reason why cigar smokers are going to get screwed in this upcoming legislation.

Thankfully, the last piece of legislation I saw exempted cigar shops...but you don't throw a frog in boiling water...you turn the heat up slowly...and the heat is on.

Anyway, back to the subject of "Thelma & Louise". For those of you that know Kelly, she's pretty proud of her "puff puffs". She walks into the store and you'd swear it was a dead heat in a Zeppelin race.

Call them what you will..."bath toys", "gravity magnets", "McFlopities", "ham curtains", "bio-domes", "atom smashers" or "the brown-nosed sweater puppies"...we at Cigar Jones are proud to call them "ours".

The Smoking Ban

2007-04-25T06:10:00.000-08:00

They're at it again. For months now we've been told that smokeshops would be exempt from the smoking ban being shoved down the throat of us Minnesotans. Think again. As it's currently worded, the exemption would only apply to sampling cigars prior to purchase.

Hmmm?

Perhaps we should extend this rather novel idea to other activities that society frowns upon. Like prostitution.

Paul Is Good...at Cribbage.

2007-04-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

OK. I guess it does take a certain amount of skill to play cribbage well. After getting my ass handed to me by Paul, I have to admit he's pretty good at it. Unfortunately for him (and Heather), he's not so good at other things.

Let "The Harding Era" Begin!

2007-04-09T07:06:00.000-08:00

Whew! Just when you thought the Minnesota Lynx were going to sleepwalk through another offseason...they finally make a move. For those of you that missed it on page C23 of the sports section, the Lynx dealt GLBT fan-favorite Tangela Smith to Phoenix for the Playtex Ultra Slim "Player of the Year", Lindsey Harding of Duke. In the first 24 hours after the announcement, Lynx ticket sales manager Dave McElwee said the team has sold 12 season tickets.

"Lindsey's strong upper body and thick ankles make her a real threat on the defensive end," remarked coach Don Zierden. Harding is expected to step in and start immediately for the perennially woeful Lynx.

A Side Of Mashed

2007-02-24T11:19:00.000-09:00

I'm supposed to be working on show prep for tonights edition of The Cigar Jones Radio Hour. Unfortunately, I became distracted and hopped on to youtube.com. I found a couple cool mash-ups for your viewing (and listening pleasure). First up is Green Day vs. Oasis. Also, this one featuring Britney vs. Linkin Park. Finally, a really strange one that works surprisingly well...Christina Milian vs. Jimi Hendrix.

What would we do without the Internet?

Probably cure cancer.

You Can't Handle The Truth!

2007-02-12T06:12:00.000-09:00

Looks like Pauly's up to his old tricks again. First, Slick Rick donates his folding poker table to the store.

Less than a week later...Paul claims the "leg just broke". Yep, after nearly twenty years of constant use and being hauled to every poker party Rick ever attended...the leg just gave out...and it wasn't even being used at the time! Must have been the gale-force winds created by the ceiling fan that did it.

Next up...table lighters #1 AND #2. Again, no better story than "they just broke". Are you sensing a pattern here?

Well, we finally replaced the broken down poker table with a nice wooden foldup version...complete with matching wooden folding chairs. Chepokas arrived as we were setting it up and the chairs passed the "Biscuits Test". We were in business...and feeling mighty good about ourselves.

Then came yesterday.

Mike got a call from Paul. Guess what? Bad news on the folding chair front. Paul sat down and "it just broke". Yep, the chairs that withstood the two live hogs living in Steves pants...crumbled beneath the massive girth of Pauly. In his defense, another customer has come forward to claim responsibility.

Sorry for doubting you, Buddy.

Hold The Cheese

2007-02-09T11:02:00.000-09:00

OK...so it's been a while. The whole "Cigar Jones Facebook" thing has stolen the time I would have normally devoted to the blog. It probably cost me a shot at the BBDO Creative Director gig that Wes all but promised me (not that he remembers). Anyway, trolling Facebook and feeling slightly uneasy about today's youth has been interesting to say the least. Lots of pictures of underage kids drinking. Hopefully, when I'm old and infirm and they're changing my bed pan...they'll remember I'm the guy that didn't "rat them out". Maybe it will keep them from spitting in my creamed corn (again).

In store news, we installed the long-awaited Disco Ball. Chuck was thrilled. Almost as thrilled as the day Cheese figured out how to hook a microphone into the sound system here. It became irritating within moments.

Princess K is still The Doghouse Points Leader. I can't wait until she makes an appointment with The Redemption Director.

Oh...That Old Gag

2006-12-18T05:53:00.000-09:00

Ok. I admit it. I've been remiss in my duties here at The Bloghouse. Ever since I stumbled on to this Facebook "thing" and created the Cigar Jones Group...this page has suffered. Anyway, quite the gathering at the store yesterday. A full house witnessed another collapse by our beloved "Queens". But how about the outfit Princess K showed up in? All black with the knee-high FMB's. All she was missing was a whip and a ball-gag. Hurt me, Kelly!

In other news...due to popular demand...I guess we will be having a Cigar Jones CHRISTmas Party. Stay tuned...I'm shooting for Thursday. Well...back to Facebook. Time to see what inappropriate (and misspelled) things Pauly had to say.

Missing Princess K

2006-11-29T10:24:00.000-09:00

It's quiet. Too quiet. Princess K is out of town and so is her infectious laughter. It's just not the same without her. Less cribbage. Less swearing. Less of everything that makes life worth living.

On the other hand...what a party last night...I'm sorry she wasn't here to enjoy it with us. The wine flowed like water and before you could blink an eye...it was after midnight. Old friends just kept coming through the door...and they wouldn't leave! First came the Davanni's...then the Tino's...then that big ass tray of Godiva Chocolates (Thanks Larry!). It took a while to clean up the joint...but it's looking good now. I think we've had enough parties for a while.

Thanks to all who make this "the place to be".

The Cigar Jones Radio Hour

2006-11-12T09:58:00.000-09:00

Man, that was a blast! Week One of the radio program is in the books. It had been 20 years since Mike and I were last on the air. But, just like riding a bike, it all came back after a few minutes. Of course, just when we were hitting our stride...the hour was over. Oh well, we'll do it again next week.

In other news, we solved the problem with the fridge...or created a problem...take your "pick". Note to self: Unplugging a refridgerator is a better way to defrost it than hacking away with an ice pick. You could accidentally hit the freon hose and cause quite a mess. In other housekeeping news, Princess K and I replaced the thermostat this morning. It was either too cold or too hot for too long.

That's it for now...be sure to join us Saturdays at 6PM for The Cigar Jones Radio Hour...on 100.3...KTLK...The FM News/Talk.

Stepping Up

2006-10-22T10:09:00.000-08:00

One of the things that makes Cigar Jones special is the willingness of our customers to step up and step in. For those unfamiliar with the way we do business here, just because someone helps you with your questions, rings up your sale, bags your purchase and says, "Have a nice day"...doesn't necessarily mean that person works here.

You see...as corny as it sounds...our customers really are like family. Lately, with Mike and I busy getting the new office ready, Princess K has been the one running the show. Pulling odd hours and often on short notice. Thanks a bunch, Kelly!

In other news, Tino's is open! Since most eveyone here has been there several times, the verdict is..."magnifico!" Great job, Guys!

The Cigar Jones Good Time Smoke 'Em While It's Legal Radio Hour begins soon. Stay tuned...

44 Hours, 18 Minutes

2006-10-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

That's the time it took for me to win the bet. Thanks to Joann who made my victory possible.

The Bet

2006-10-11T18:04:00.000-08:00

For those of you that are fans of "Seinfeld", you'll recognize the name of this post. While the bet between Cheese and I has NOTHING to do with THAT...I can guarantee you that this one's in the bag.

I will win.

Unfortunately, if I tell you what the bet is...it will only prevent me (or delay me) from my ultimate victory. Once I win, you will be told that that I won. Only a select few individuals will ever be made aware of the exact nature of the bet.

In advance, I'd like to thank the person (or persons) responsible for my triumph:

(Choose One)

Chuck, Biscuits, Uncle Mike, C-Word, The Senator, Mark, Jeff, Brittany, Pauly, Tom, Slick Rick, Larry, Steve (all of them), Andy and Joann. You've all come through for me in the past. I trust you won't let me down this time.

May the best man win. Game on.

Hold The Nuts

2006-10-09T18:18:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite YouTube posters is lisanova. One of her latest bits involves guys who have "given up the nuts". This skit reminds me of three people. Paul (whose girlfriend Heather SHOPS for him at AE), Cheese (whose wife DRESSES him from The Gap) and Connor (who was so WHIPPED he moved to Colorado).

I think you guys are missing something.

Growing Pains

2006-10-02T06:24:00.000-08:00

For those of you that haven't heard...we're expanding. The real estate side of our operation has leased the space formerly occupied by Cafe De Lago. The build-out is a serious pain in the ass but, in the end, our agents will appreciate the new digs.

In cigar news, September set another record. The word is getting around and we're attracting more and more new/old customers. The Ashton ESG's came and went (at a fair price). It still amazes me how some shops stick it to their customers when the hard to get stuff comes around. There's some appreciation for ya'.

Speaking of the hard the hard to get stuff, Opus X is due in this week. Come and get 'em. No limit...and as usual...the best price in town. A sincere "Thanks" to you all.

PS: Tino's is set to open this week. Let's all show Steve and Tino some Cigar Jones Love.

Tobacco Grovel

2006-09-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

grovel (grov'el) v : to show submission or fear (syn: fawn, crawl, creep, cringe; to beg select customers to frequent your place of business by offering discounts not afforded to all.

"To creep and grovel on the ground." -- Dryden

2. To tend toward being low, abject or mean.

Strike one, Guys.

A Happy Anniversary

2006-09-25T11:45:00.000-08:00

What a time it was last Thursday. Thanks to all our wonderful customers who made it a night to remember. We bitch-slapped all records and managed to eat our way through a mountain of shrimp, sushi and assorted veggies and sandwiches. To all who brought presents and cards...a heartfelt, "Thank You". We owe you a debt of gratitude for making our first year one we'll never forget.

...Something A Bit Off Topic

2006-09-20T17:29:00.000-08:00

As if you don't know already, I'm really an ad guy. The best spots currently airing are for Holiday Inn. Time stands still everytime I see these commercials. Whether or not they work...it's anyones guess. I'm guessing they don't...but they sure crack me up.

The series features three guys on a business trip staying at a Holiday Inn. This first spot is my favorite.

Then there's Joe Buck encounter one and two.

This one reminds me of Stuart.

And we all know how much Paul Worner loves a good cage match.

The last three...in no particular order...feature a missing toothbrush, the song of a whale and unwinding in a hot tub.

Pure genius. Enjoy.

The Long Strange Trip

2006-09-19T06:23:00.000-08:00

Wow. Can you believe it? It's already been a year since Mike and I took over the store. I was searching my Beam-addled memory bank to come up with a few nuggets of note. Here are some of my favorites. Feel free to add some of your own.

1. Mark Haarman. This guy was a trip. Who would have thought quick-thinking Connor came up with the best idea of all...locking the door.

2. Uncle Mike at RTDA. Sorry, Dude. Can't let you forget that crank-masher.

3. Drunken Chrissy. Remember her. She ran away from her husband and kids in Waconia and came in looking for a little "company". Six months later she came back with her "Friend" Jilly. You can lose that number.

4. Gravity meets TV. TV loses. While fixing the front lights I accidentally toppled the TV in front. Ooops. I like our new TV better, anyway.

5. Stuart has public sex. We all witnessed what a ladies man Stuart is. The "Mack Daddy" practically broke the easy chair saying "Howdy" to the lovely Laura.

6. Meeting Biscuits. A free cigar given to a stranger leads to "Milagro" and a lifelong friend of Cigar Jones.

7. Drunky McDrunk. A sad (but sometimes humorous) story. Hope she gets the help she so desperately needs.

8. The Kids Are Alright. We had an infusion of younger customers. Andrew, Sam, Jon, Colin and all their buddies. ID please?

9. While I was on vacation this Spring Break, I missed all the fun Chester The Jester brought to the table. By the time I returned, he was already eighty-sixed. Never even saw the dude.

10. Rest In Peace. The year also brought the passing of Cliff and Will. Gone but not forgotten.

Thanks to all who made the year one we'll never forget.

Connor Is Colorado Bound

2006-09-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

It is with heavy heart that I report our beloved friend, Connor Martin, is moving to Colorado. Connor has been a fixture at Cigar Jones since Day One. His vast knowledge of wine, poker and kitchen equipment maintenance contracts will be sorely missed. For those of you that don't know Connor as well as we do...here's a few factoids:

Connor is the only customer that has a poker hand named for him...the dreaded 7-2 offsuit.

Despite his reputation, the Connor Martin eats few, if any mosquitoes. Numerous studies have revealed that he prefers larger, more energetically-rewarding, insects such as dragonflies, damselflies, butterflies, moths, grasshoppers, katydids, mayflies, cicadas, beetles, flies, wasps, midges, and flying ants.

Connor has overcome many hurdles in life.

Connor is involved in a wide variety of activities. It's one of the main reasons he's relocating to Colorado. Among his favorite pastimes are hockey and barrel racing.

Connor is a voracious reader. Let's see what book is on his nightstand this week.

Seriously, we're gonna' miss you, Connor. You were such an easy target. Keep in touch, Butt Ticket!

New Rules

2006-08-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

I've held off on establishing rules (censorship) on the blog for quite so time now. But, after the rather heated last few days, the time has come. If you've noticed, I don't swear and manage to be reasonably funny. Although I swear like a sailor in the right company, this is not the right company. My 16 year old daughter reads this on occasion (Sorry about the oral sex references a few days ago, Honey.) so keep that in mind. Anyway, Princess K is closing the store tonight, so stop by and keep her company. She is so hot, isn't she? Smart as a whip, too. If my daughter wasn't reading this I'd say something like "I'd do her" or "I'd let her orally service me". But since she is reading this, I won't. See how easy this not swearing thing is?

PS - Daddy's just kidding, Honey. Please don't tell Mom.

Beam Me Up!

2006-08-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

I've noticed an annoying trend lately. Salesmen running around like they're on the main bridge of the USS Enterprise communicating with each other via their totally gay Bluetooth hands-free devices.

I'm sorry, but do you know how ridiculous you look? You've got some funky piece of plastic jutting out of your head and, for some reason, you think this is socially acceptable?

Sorry buddy, but you look like a sci-fi reject. Where's the next Trekkie Convention?

What's worse, everytime I see someone with one of these on, I can't help but think, "Seriously, are you THAT important? Where's the nuclear football? What galaxy is YOUR mothership in?" Add to that, you sound like your head is in a toilet bowl.

Don't even think about defending these people...or you're the next to get flamed.

Sorry, Paul

2006-08-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

Wow. The post from yesterday seems to have ignited a firestorm of opinions. To be fair, I was just trying to get a rise out of Paul. I guess it worked. Paul really is a good kid and all our regulars love the guy. For those of you that don't know him as well as we do, here's a little background on our beloved Pauly.

Dave Matthews Sucks!

2006-08-26T07:15:00.000-08:00

Time to stir the pot. I can't stand the Dave Matthews Band. People that like DMB also like Counting Crows and Phish (two other bands that suck). What's up with his voice? A severe blow to the nuts at an early age, I suspect. His music is mediocre noise, not unlike a refrigerator hum or a clothes dryer. Couple that with a nation of tobacco-chewin', hackey-sack punting frat boys zealously espousing the band's dubious skills and you have a whole new reason to hate the DMB. And what's up with that oversized, ass-clown head of his? They should be named The Tom Hanks Band. I've got an idea. Let's get a tattoo of ants marching up our leg and pretend it has a deeper meaning than "I'm an idiot and I'm stuck with these ugly-ass bugs on my leg for the rest of my life". They'll go over big with the snickering candy-stripers changing your bed pan 60 years from now. But, at least you hit the pan. You didn't dump it in the Chicago River and try to lie your way out of it. Here's a video of Dave Matthews in concert. Enjoy!

Princess K Returns

2006-08-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

We had a Kelly sighting today! As most of you know, Kelly has been out of commission the past few days due to extreme mouth pain (insert oral sex joke here). Actually, it's been her jaw that's been giving her trouble (insert oral sex joke here). While she looked great (a new shade on the eyes), we could tell she still wasn't herself (insert oral sex joke here). Anyway, we love her and miss her and hope she gets better soon. I, for one, am missing the oral sex.

That Guy From Boston

2006-08-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

OK. I admit it. I'm officially hooked on YouTube.com. Whenever there's nothing on TV (like tonight), I just sit down and type random searches on YouTube. If you're not familiar with this phemonenon, YouTube is the latest and greatest user-content drivin website. Basically, it's a bunch of short videos that people post online for others to see. It's 99% garbage...but the remaining 1% is a hoot. I came across this editorial on cigars and thought I'd share it.

RIP Stanford Newman

2006-08-19T06:51:00.000-08:00

Stanford J. Newman, one of Tampa's cigar industry icons, drove to work Tuesday, a beloved cigar in his pocket.

While reviewing marketing figures at J.C. Newman Cigar Co., he went into cardiac arrest. He died shortly after at Tampa General Hospital. He was 90.

"A better script could not have been written," said his son Eric. "He died on the job at the age of 90. All of us should be so fortunate."

Mentos And Diet Coke

2006-08-19T06:25:00.000-08:00

Under the category of "Boys Will Be Boys", we just couldn't resist doing the Mentos Trick the other day. If you are not familiar with this stunt, it involves the reaction created when Mentos are introduced to a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke. We stepped around the corner of the store and let her fly. The audience consisted of a dozen or so customers and a couple kids that happened to be riding by on their bikes. I've since done some research on this and promise the next geyser will go twice as high as the building. Here's a video of some guys that have even more time on their hands than we do.

Rent The Peppers, Return The Jars

2006-08-13T07:40:00.000-08:00

Our buddy Steve brought in some of the peppers and tomatoes he canned last year and somebody besides Cheese actually got to try some. Quite a tasty treat! The tomatoes were great, but the peppers were exceptional! The train pulled away from the station way ahead of schedule this morning. Overnight, the slow-moving (yet reliable) Amtrak diesel had been replaced by the Japanese Mag-Lev Bullet. It was a heck of a ride. In other news, the record week at Cigar Jones continues. The Rocky's are flying and more and more new faces are showing up daily. People are figuring out there's a new sheriff in town...and his name ain't Reggie Hammond. Thanks to all for your continued support!

The Bridesmaids Bitch Again

2006-08-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

Event One of the Cigar Jones Poker Series is now in the books. After securing a seat at the final table (with a nice chip lead) I once again turned victory into defeat. Another third place finish for The Rammer. Congrats to Tom Egan who took home the trophy and handsome reward. He also discovered his new favorite cigar...The Rocky Patel Olde World Maduro. Second place went to a virgin, Colin The Kid. We'll get him next time. Rounding out the top four was Steve (The Italian Jew) Rosenberg. One event down...eleven to go. Who's going to Vegas next year?

Gonna' Fly Now!

2006-08-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

...or at least they better. Our shipment of Rocky Patel cigars arrived yesterday. We loaded up on them at the RTDA Show. It's amazing how much more product you buy when they ply you with alcohol. Between that and the beautiful blonde twins (Remember them, Larry?) we probably bought more than we should have. But, what the hell, they are great cigars. Currently we're long on all of them...the Vintage 1990, Sun Grown & The Edge. We're also fully stocked on the Olde World Series...it's a fantastic stick if you haven't tried them. Anyway, I'm out of here. Golfing with Doc Howie this afternoon. Fore!

What's Your Flavor?

2006-08-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

It's the hottest growing segment of the cigar biz...flavored cigars...and we're loaded to the gills now. Take your pick...chocolate, cinnamon, rum, honey, cherry, vanilla...and many combinations thereof. After a few cocktails, they're not so bad. Anyway, we also are proud to announce the addition of the full line of cigars from La Aurora. These sticks have always been one of my favorites...and now they can be yours...if the price is right. Macanudo Golds are in...as well as the last batch of Macanudo Vintage 1997's. In other news, The Nut Job made the mistake of showing up across the street at the liquor store yesterday. Too bad it's a violation of his bail. Start packing your soap on a rope, Pal! Whatcha' gonna' do when they come for you?

Do You Canoe?

2006-07-30T11:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it's just me today. Paul is at the Twins game, HRH is back in real estate school and Mike is coming back from his annual canoe party in Wisconsin. In all the years I've known Mike, I can count on one hand how many times this canoe thing has worked out as planned. The "party" usually falls in one of three categories.
A) Too Hot
B) Too Wet
C) Too Drunk/Hungover
Some of the time it's a combination and every once in a while he hits the trifecta. There's one thing for sure...he always comes back with a story. Tomorrow is the Miracles of Mitch Golf Event. If the forecast holds up, expect Biscuits and gravy (ass gravy, that is).

Biscuits And Cheese

2006-07-29T07:06:00.001-08:00

So our buddy, Jack Barnes, stops by the other day. Biscuits, Cheese and I are sitting at the front bar as he walks in. Now Jack is recovering from foot surgery and we notice he's got on a pair of Crocs. If you're not familiar with this footwear...well...it's kinda'...gay. Maybe not kinda' gay...more like gay squared...maybe even gay to the tenth power. Infinity gay. Don't believe me, check this out. Anyway, Jack isn't wearing them for fashion, he's wearing them because he has to. He's got a bad wheel. At this point it becomes obvious that both Biscuits and Cheese are becoming quite fond of this newfangled footwear. They ask Jack if they can try them on (gay). Soon they're oohing and aahing over them...they simply must have a pair (gay). Cheese calls his wife to ask what color he should get (really gay). Within minutes, they're out the door...two girls on a mission. A couple hours later they return with matching Navy Blue Crocs. Oh well, whatever makes you feel pretty, guys. I must say, however, that Crocs ARE GOOD for three things.
1) Gardening.
2) Working in the water.
3) Anonymous gay sex at a highway rest area.

A Day For Fuente

2006-07-27T05:59:00.000-08:00

Good news/bad news today on the Fuente front. First off, we got our entire shipment of Diamond Crowns in, and...as usual...nobody in Minnesota will beat our price. Along with the DC's came The Senator's favorite Honduran bundle...Don Jose. Also in the pipeline are Chateau Naturals (Bob) and Chateau Maduros (Everybody). Now the bad news. Got a call from Fuente yesterday informing me of some interesting behavior on the part of one of our customers at the RTDA Show. It seems, out-of-the-blue, this customer unloaded on our Fuente Guy (Mike) for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. As I sit here I'm still incredulous as to what this guy was thinking. The cigar business is extremely political and Mike at Fuente has bent over backwards to provide us with what we need. What the hell, Dude? Bad Frickin' Dog!! The last thing I ever expected was one of our guys to embarrass us. Love you like a chicken wing, Buddy, but IF YOU EVER PULL A STUNT LIKE THIS AGAIN YOU ARE DONE!

News On The Nut Job

2006-07-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

It seems our favorite sociopath, Mark Haarman, has a court date. The lovely Brittany informs us he's due before The Judge on August 15th. If you're unfamiliar with this neighborhood fixture, allow me to fill you in. A few months ago he began hanging around the mall and bothering customers and employees both here and at Holiday. Since, at the time, Brittany worked both places...she caught the brunt of his act. To make a long story short, Mark (56) said some pretty offensive things to Brittany (19). After being banned from the mall, he continued showing up...and so did the police. At his first court date, I had the pleasure of meeting some members of his family. To put it mildly, it's a pretty shallow gene pool. Anyway, if you can make it on the 15th, it should make for some good theatre. If you'd like to read a copy of the restraining order against him, we've got one here at the store.

RTDA Show Highlights

2006-07-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

Well...we survived Las Vegas! Four days seems like two weeks when you're in the city that never sleeps. Especially when you're being wined and dined by cigar manufacturers and casinos. The friends that joined us (Uncle Mike, Stevie, Howie, Larry and JJ) made the trip even more memorable. JJ (our entry in the WSOP) outlasted many famous names and took a bad beat at the end of day one. Howie had several animated conversations on the night of the CAO party at The Hard Rock. Steve was overly gracious for buying us a great dinner at The Pink Taco and serving as our chauffeur during our stay. Uncle Mike was quite the hubby for bringing his wife (to Vegas?) and taking in the Elton John show between stops at the RTDA. And then there's Larry. What can you say about a guy that offers us a ride there and back on his brand new Citation CJ3? Un-Frickin-Believable. Thank you, Larry! On the cigar front, we spent lots of money and opened several new accounts...too many to list. They'll be arriving soon so stop in often. Anyway, we missed you all and sales in our absence were through the roof. Thanks to everyone for your generous support.

1987 Was A Good Year!

2006-07-13T15:16:00.000-08:00

Who can forget 1987? Man, it seems like yesterday, doesn't it? Prince was winning Grammy's, Sharon Stone was crossing her legs in Fatal Attraction and how about those Twins? Kirby, Herbie and Frank were busy winning the World Series and putting Minnesota on the map. Man, those were the days, huh? Oh yeah, I almost forgot...that was the year HRH Brittany was born. Love those comments on the last post. You guys are gonna' burn much worse than Brittany...and for a lot longer. Anyway, I lost my voice today...hope it gets better before the RTDA Show next week. I never realized how much I gotta' talk in the store. Shut up and buy more smokes. Who loves ya'?

Stick A Fork In Brittany...

2006-07-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

...she's done. Actually, well done. Burnt to a crisp. Today is her first day back after suffering from a scary bout of heat stroke on the Fourth. She seems to be her old perky self...so let's all give her a warm Cigar Jones welcome back. Recent cigar shipments include AVO, Perdomo and Don Diego. We blew through 144 Cigar Jones T-Shirts in less than two weeks...thanks to all that purchased one. At this time next week Mike and I will be at the RTDA Show in Las Vegas and our representative in the WSOP, JJ, will be just sitting down at the table. Good luck, Man...we're counting on you!

KQ's New Chucker

2006-07-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

Chuck and I played in the KQRS Golf Tournament today...and what a day it was! After putting our first two shots in the drink off the tee, our seemingly average (but above average) lady teammates must have thought "What's going on here?". We quickly recovered and posted an above average score and won...get this...alcohol! Three of us were very happy (Sorry Dry Joy). Anyway, Chuck's gonna' give his case of Grain Belt to his daughter and keep the polo and windshirt that we all received. I was lucky enough to also win a dinner and show for two at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater and a gift certificate for $35 from Sunset's in Wayzata. I saw all the old crew from KQ (Where Mike and I used to work) and had a great time. The wife and daughter are on a church mission trip to Philly and my son's at the lake with my folks. Flying solo...and feeling solonesome. Cheer me up and buy some smokes on Monday!

Biscuits In The House

2006-07-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

When it rains...it pours. Mike's on vacation. Paul's gotta' be somewhere else this afternoon. The lovely Miss Brittany is suffering from heat stroke due to a wild Fourth of July. Kelly has to work at her real job today. And to top it off, I've got to be at a real estate closing at 3:30. What's a guy to do? Call Steve Chepokas, that's what! Yep, Biscuits is running the store this afternoon. The great thing about this shop is our customers. It's funny how many of you know how to run the register. On any given day, you never know who's gonna' ring you up. You guys work cheap, too. Thanks to everyone who helps out. Thanks, Stevie! You're the best.

Opus X Are Here!

2006-07-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

Not much gets me too excited in this business...but it never gets old opening our shipments of Opus X. It's kinda' like that scene in "Pulp Fiction" when John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson open the briefcase and it emits that magical glow. In addition to having them on the shelf...the price is arguably the best in the state. We don't believe in gouging our customers or limiting how many you can buy. Knock yourself out...and show me the money. Hurry in for best selection!

Open Season On Eddie

2006-06-30T05:54:00.000-08:00

Under the category of, "You Can't Make This Up", meet Eddie Griffin. It seems our beloved Timberwolf was involved in an accident this past winter in which he was not only drinking and driving but watching XXX videos and pleasuring himself as well. OK, Sportsfans, let's see how creative you are. I'll get the balls rolling.

Did you hear Eddie Griffin failed his driving test? His hands weren't at ten and two they were at 12-6, 12-6, 12-6.

What's the big deal about Eddie Griffin? He was just practicing his low post moves.

How could the Wolves trade Eddie Griffin? He's great on the hardwood and has exceptional ball handling skills.

This is way too easy. Let's see what you got.

Ode To Kelly

2006-06-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

This is a tough one. Kelly requested that we feature her today and, since most of my humor is borderline mean-spirited, I gotta' be careful. So, where to start? How about them boobies? Kelly's got a nice rack. Kelly's favorite smoke is a Fuente Double Chateau Natural. If you've ever said anything marginally humorous within earshot of Kelly, you probably think you're a candidate for "The Last Comic Standing". You're not. Most of the time Kelly times her laughter to the most inopportune moments when I'm on the phone.

Wife: "When are you coming home...dinner is waiting"

Me: "I'm just getting ready..."

Kelly: "HAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Wife: "Oh, you're working really hard. The kids and I are eating now. (Click)

Just like the OnStar commercial, that was an actual conversation. Anyway, I think I did a pretty good job painting a picture of Kelly. Just wasn't sure what color the hair should be.

Stuart's Back!

2006-06-28T05:50:00.000-08:00

For the past week the burning question has been, "Where's Stuart?". Our very own 3D advertisement for Wi-Fi hadn't been in for a while. He finally showed up yesterday and explained he had been ill. Whew! Can't afford to lose any customers...let alone one whose ass crack is permanently fused into the cushion in the corner chair. Glad you're back, Stuart.

Xmas In June

2006-06-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

Today's the day. This morning our shipment of Fuente Anejos is due to arrive. Unlike other stores that set them aside or limit sales to a few per customer, we put them on the shelf and let the chips fall as they may. Hurry in for best selection!

Mix It Up

2006-06-26T06:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterdays mix at the shop was off the chain. 70's pop. Look forward to more of that mix playing in the future. Well it's Monday 6/26, eight days before the Fourth of July. Todd is planning on working on the 4th so no hurry to come in and pick up those last minute sticks before the fireworks. Cigars are great for lighting fireworks.

My So-Called Life

2006-06-25T05:31:00.000-08:00

Since I savaged most of you yesterday, I suppose turnabout is fair play. On the way in this morning I reviewed what I did on Saturday and here's the report. Opened the store early on the off chance someone would stop in to buy the JC Newman Anniversary Humidor for $1400.00. After staring at it for fifteen minutes, I decided I was trying too hard. Time for something more productive...online poker for pretend money. I was doing pretty well until some non-spelling smack-talker got into my head and totally took me off my game. I think he was Asian. Anyway, the line at the register was five people deep so it's probably a good thing I got taken down. Mike came in to relieve me around two and it was off to my sons birthday party. But first things first. I had a coupon for Diet Coke that expired soon so I stopped at Cub. "The Senator" was shopping, too. Came to the conclusion he's probably not a senator. Got home just in time for BBQ beef sandwiches, veggies, fruit, chips and dip, etc. So what's next? A full-on, open mouth, Chuck Berry in the easy chair nap, that's what. After being rudely awakened to the strains of "Happy Birthday", I wandered back to the smell of freshly blown candles for a little dessert. Being diabetic, I was the life of the party for exactly thirty-six minutes...until the cake wore off. Another seemingly brief nap followed before the obligatory good-byes to my parents and in-laws. I figured the "Birthday Boy" had played his new video game long enough...so I took over the PS2 long enough to bitch slap the virtual pros in Tiger Woods '06. Finished just in time to see the last pitch in the Twins win. What a day! Time to get ready for bed.

Good Morning, Chuck

2006-06-24T05:32:00.000-08:00

This "blog thing" is rapidly becoming a pain in the ass. Now I've got customers upset if it's not updated by 6:30 AM. I'd say "Get a life" but, since most of you hang out here all day, it's quite obvious you don't have one. Just kidding (half-kidding). Shipments arriving yesterday include Macanudo Vintage (get them while you can!) and Macanudo Gold. Also, the tasty Partagas Serie S are now well-stocked. In other news, Uncle Mike is becoming quite the poker player. He's consistently finishing in the money and making us all look like we're the beginners. Paul graduated from Brown and he's taking the weekend off to celebrate before embarking on his new career as overly-educated employee of a cigar store. Other than that, I'm here...and you're not...yet. See you in a few.

Don't Watch "The Office"

2006-06-23T06:09:00.000-08:00

Ok. Time for a random rant. The ONLY sitcom on network TV worth watching is "The Office". I've recommended it to several people I used to respect and no one seems to like it. What the hell? Don't they get it? I there something about clever, original, ground-breaking humor they don't understand? How can anyone not appreciate this show? So I've given up. Don't watch "The Office". It sucks. "Two And A Half Men" rocks! "According To Jim" slays me. "George Lopez" is the funniest man alive (and he's Hispanic, go figure?). Gotta' go. I'm missing a rerun of "Friends". That Jennifer Aniston is soooooo hot! Even People Magazine says so. I wonder if she'd consider going out with me. I bet she would. Yeah, she would. Jennifer Aniston would dig me.

After Hours Fun

2006-06-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who attended our H. Upmann Event last night. I trust a good time was had by all. Congrats to Chuck, Kelly and Mikey...the big winners of some fine prizes provided by Scott O'Hern of Altadis USA. The real fun began after close. Never one to turn away a paying customer...even though the register was already closed for the day...two large groups came in and made some nice purchases. Well...they decided to stick around for a while. Two and a half hours later I was on my way home. No rest for the weary. Ahhh...the joys of retail.

Miami Smokes A Cuban

2006-06-21T04:03:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does the sun seem a little brighter today? The birds sound happier, too? Hmmm...what gives? Could it be that every viable life form on the planet is as overjoyed as I am that the self-serving, media slut Mark Cuban got his ass handed to him last night? Yes, Virginia, there most definitely is a Santa Claus. The Dallas Mavericks choked like Mama Cass on a roast beef sandwich and blessed the Miami Heat with their first-ever NBA Championship. Combine that with the Twins eighth straight win and I'm a happy guy. The party begins tonight at 4PM.

Fore Boxes Of Cigars

2006-06-20T05:05:00.000-08:00

A local golf pro (who shall remain nameless) stopped in yesterday in a flop (pun intended) sweat. It seems those boxes of fancy cigars he ordered over the Internet had yet to arrive and his tournament started in two hours. What's a guy to do? Pay retail, of course (pun also intended). Many hundreds of dollars (and a few free rounds of golf) later, he left more relieved than finding a place to pee when you're squuezing in a round on Ladies Day. Another satisfied customer!

Note To Self...

2006-06-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

Perhaps next year we'll limit the giveaway to one cigar per customer. The response to yesterdays promotion was nothing short of extraordinary. At times the line extended darn near out the door. Luckily for us, MOST of you also purchased more cigars than we gave you. The result was a record day in sales and a good time had by all. How about Phils collapse on 18? It left most of us dissappointed (except Chuck) because we wanted to keep the good times rolling. After golf, the only thing left to watch was Lynx basketball. Brutal! Womens hoops makes bowling, soccer, even curling, sound exciting.

Happy Fathers Day!

2006-06-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Dads Day once again. I'm not a big fan of this Hallmark Holiday, but what the hey, I'll play along. Restocked inventory this morning before taking the day off at the in-laws. Paul's working from open to close after pulling an all-nighter at Jack FM. He should be in fine form. We've had a fantastic month so far...so let's share the wealth. All customers that come in today will recieve THREE FREE CIGARS of their choice. No B.S. Just tell Paul you want "The Fathers Day Deal". You might have to wake him up or repeat yourself several times, but the three free cigars are yours to keep. (Or, better yet, just take a whole box and walk out the door. He's gonna' be out of it!) Just our little way of saying thanks to our loyal customers. Enjoy!

Let It Rain

2006-06-17T06:47:00.000-08:00

When it rains...it pours. After waiting FOREVER for Savoy Humidors and Camacho Cigars, they both came in today. Yippee. We've also got the best selection of Ashton VSG's in the Upper Midwest Region. Nothing scientific, mind you, just my personal opinion. The US Open Golf will be on all day today...another opportunity to root against Monty. What a whiner! I'm gonna' enjoy watching his wheels come off.

H. Upmann Event on 6/21!

2006-06-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

Extra...extra...read all about it! This coming Wednesday (6/21) Scott from Altadis will be here hosting a tasting for the H. Upmann Vintage Cameroon. Most of our regulars are well aware of these quality sticks. The deal is buy two get one free. Anyway, the event runs from 4 to 8 and, as always, food and beverages are on the house. Hope to see you here!

Welcome

2006-06-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Cigar Jones blog. Some final notes on last nights Tournament of Champions. The winner of the trip to Las Vegas was Jeff Johnson. Please wish him good luck.